October 9, 2022 | Mark Twain

Let’s take a break from finance and remember Mark Twain. 

Good morning, I’m Austerity Jones and I’m here with G Spot Johnson. With the craziness of the stock and bond markets lately, I didn’t expect to see you today G Spot.

G Spot: Jackie! Jackie! Where is Jackie!

Austerity: G Spot? I’m here and I’m Austerity. 

G Spot: Ahh thank you, I was just imitating our president who walked into a room last week looking for a lady that has been dead for a month. But, I know you missed me little lady so don’t go denying it. But I told C Thomas that unless the stock market is down 30% I was taking over this week. He said it might be. I said let her buck for a while and as the third contributing author I had something to say just as important as C Thomas. These are elected officials and appointed officials that are driving this market down and they are clowns. What do we do with clowns? We make fun of them and laugh and have a good time at their expense while we suffer. So let’s start where it all began in American humor today. I give you Mr. Mark Twain. Mark Twain was born Samuel Clemens in 1835 and grew up in Hannibal, Missouri. William Faulkner calls him the father of American Literature while Ernest Hemingway says “All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain Huckleberry Finn.” He was a tremendous writer but also called America’s greatest humorist. With quotes like the following I can see why.

“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.” Mark Twain

Now C Thomas can rail about the Liz Truss and Joe Bidens and the Donald Trumps of the world but nothing is as perceptive as those 12 words. You see Austerity, we sometimes get so full of ourselves that we forget other people have problems or more importantly that other people have had problems. Do you think that we are the first group of people to be angry at our politicians or suspect that they are only in it for themselves? Hell no! Twain himself was so tired of politicians that he went so far as to join the Mugwumps.

Austerity: I’m sorry, G Spot, he joined the what?

Mugwumps. They were political activists of the time who were intensely outraged by political corruption. You know, for example if the speaker of the house’s husband had profited from a bunch of stock trades like Nancy Pelosi’s husband while his wife has access to confidential information, he would fall under the scrutiny of the Mugwumps. If someone like Hillary Clinton took $1,000 and traded cattle futures and made over $100k in ten months as she did in 1978, the mugwumps would cry foul. If you were Al Gore and turned a net worth of $1.7 million in 2000 when he ran for president into a $200 million empire preaching climate change, that’s right he would be on Mugwump radar for sure. If Twain were alive he would be delighted to see how prophetic his next quote has become. 

“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.” Mark Twain

But wait, Mark Twain was the failed businessman that filed bankruptcy. That’s true, unlike these paragons of virtue and fortune that we just mentioned, Mark Twain went broke and wasted his considerable writing fortune by making bad investments. In 1894, Twain was bust, and filed bankruptcy but embarked on an around the world lecture tour, for he was still in demand as a speaker, and managed to pay off his creditors in full even though he was under no obligation to do so. Remember on September 11 when the word of the day was duty referring to Roger Staubach, well it applies in this situation as well. He did his duty to the creditors who signed a paper or shook his hand that they would be made whole again if he was able. It turns out he was able and revealed much of the character of this man, and his era when a man’s name and handshake were often all he had in the world. A man’s character isn’t revealed when he is given awards and titles like America’s great humourist, no character is revealed when life has you down and beating the crap out of you and you wish it would stop but life isn’t quite through beating on you. Twain picked himself up and made his creditors whole and for that he deserves our respect for doing his duty. Twain didn’t accept a bailout, he demanded to do what was right and doing what is right is more important than doing what is legal. We are going to read a lot more about bailouts soon which is probably why Twain said this: 

“We have the best government money can buy.” Mark Twain

And this: 

“There is no distinctly American criminal class- except Congress.” Mark Twain

And this:

“There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.” Mark Twain

I think this guy was born a century too early. He would have loved this environment today. Good evening and welcome to the Tonight Show with Mark Twain where he interviews Huckleberry Finn and asks him if trees feel pain after Huck cut down a tree to make his raft of wood to float down the Mississippi. Yeah, he would fit right in. My favorite quote of Twain’s is 

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Mark Twain

But even I can’t understand this one, but I can’t disagree with it either.

“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.” Mark Twain

Well you don’t have to have a college education to realize that things might get pretty dicey in America here for a while. So we must look to our history and not take things too seriously and realize America has suffered before and we have been led by fools before and we will be led by fools again. The fun is making fun of the fools and to cherish our friendships as they are and will be more important than gold in the coming days. I leave you with a poem in an homage to Mr. Mugwump Mark Twain.

If Mark Twain was alive think of what he could say

He’d demand no bailouts and make those rich bankers pay

He’d call rail at congress with both fists with his band of Mugwumps

He’d call those democrats no better a bunch than that band of Trumps

He’d play golf poorly and invest not so well

He’d be on TV as say Congress can go to hell

He’d tell us abortion is illegal so ladies you are gonna have to have that baby

And I don’t care how much lipstick you use Katlin Jenner you ain’t no lady

The Inflation is up, the stock market is down

Florida is under water, and you need scuba gear to get around

If you peek at your portfolio you will turn that smile upside down

And even a little dementia can’t keep our President down

He’d make us smile for awhile

Telling a joke or a fable

He’d would stand up defiantly

And pound his fist on the table

Why is the US capital building so tall

He would ask with a smile

Because that is as tall

As bullshit will pile

Financial tip of the week

This week’s financial tip is to start a savings account. This is a rainy day fund. It can be as little as $20 a paycheck. But save it first and do it every paycheck. Someday you will be glad you did and remember what Mark Twain said, “The secret of making progress is to get started.”

Today in history

On this date in history the Boulder Dam began generating electricity outside Las Vegas Nevada. The name was later changed to the Hoover Dam, no relation to the vacuum.

Also born on this date

John Lennon, Mike Singletary, and Ini Kamoze – the man that brought us “Here comes the Hotstepper.”