C Thomas tells us how G Spot got arrested the night before
Good morning! I’m Austerity Jones. I’m here with C Thomas and I don’t know what we are going to talk about other than C Thomas said that he had to make an announcement to our gross of listeners….
C Thomas: G Spot is unavailable this week due to being arrested and although I didn’t suspend him again I feel that a stern talking to was necessary and I let him know that as a fictional writer here at our cooperative, I hold him to a higher fictional standard, a double standard if you will. It is with a heavy heart that I tell you that G Spot was arrested for riding a 12-year-old named Lucy last Saturday night. It turns out that he was arrested while atop Lucy in the Sticky Bun Maple Bar and Pub.
Austerity: Wait, what? G Spot is a pedophile?
C Thomas: Lord no child, Lucy is his 12 year old Appaloosa Mare. She’s a beautiful horse and quite a walker but she’s a hog for water and has a bit of a sweet tooth.
Austerity: What happened to him?
C Thomas: Well as I heard it from Potbelly Pete over at the VFW – G Spot was last seen drinking a pint of Molson with his leg hooked around that saddle horn next to the cash register and telling the story about how he damned near turned Sister Catherine while Lucy was eating a bowl of Granny Smith apples off the bar. That is how he got charged with illegal trespassing and unlawful consumption of fruit under $100 within city limits by an equine. But that isn’t the whole story.
While G Spot is telling the story about looking under Sister Catherine’s robe pretending to look for his lost Rosary beads, Lucy is eating an entire bowl of fresh green apples and you know how Lucy gets with that much fiber in her, well it wasn’t 5 minutes and her tail started twitching and lifting and darned if she didn’t deposit a couple green apples of her own on Mary Lou Anderson’s plate of Oscar medallions in the bearnise sauce right during her Saturday night supper. It ruined a perfectly good red checkerboard pattern table cloth to boot. That’s how they got Gspot for destruction of property.
Now Mary Lou was still sore with G Spot on account of him sleeping with her after the St Matthew’s episcopalian potluck dinner on Father’s Day, the one where she brought her good peach cobbler, and she always got frisky after cooking for a man, and it didn’t help with G Spot telling her that any woman that could make a cobbler like that and fill out a going to town dress like she could was bound to make him a father some day. She seemed to like what he was preaching that Sunday, but was less pleased when he didn’t call until after Independence day asking if she wanted her cobbler dish back. When the cops arrived G Spot got no help from her when they asked what happened.
Speaking of the cops, when they did arrive the first thing they told G Spot was that he was under arrest for destruction of property, illegal trespassing (that was Linda Lou’s call, but the owner Sticky Bun Steve never liked G Spot none either), and consumption of unpaid for fruit even though argued that he had nary an apple, but that he was starting to get a bit hungry if anyone wanted to do the courtesy and hit up a diner. The cops said he was not going to a diner. They said the first thing you are going to do is get that animal out of here. This, ole Potbelly Pete said, is where is got interesting. “G Spot got argumentative and said “he would do no such thing, he knew his rights, he knew the law, and he knew a great place to get a late night country fried steak and eggs.” That’s how they got him for failing to disperse upon request of an officer.
So finally they convince G Spot to take the horse outside and tie Lucy up, and they took him downtown and set him in the drunk tank, but they didn’t know exactly what to do with him so they called me. They explained what happened and I said I would come pick him up and we’d let Judge Parker sort it out in the morning, but they released him to my care provided I’d bring him back the next morning. I agreed, and G Spot felt real bad too saying that he was sorry for getting me up at this hour and how he wasn’t even drunk etc.
So the next morning we go down to the courtroom and Judge parker has been briefed and he is none to pleased with the town disturbance to boot. G Spot and I had stopped off over at the casino to bet the grey horse in the third race at Aqueduct. We’d ran into Nickel Charlie and he followed us over to the courthouse and so with God as my witness along with Nickel Charlie this was G Spot’s defense. “ Your honor I’m real sorry about what happened, but it was the fault of them damn libtards, you know the liberal retards. “
The Judge said, “It’s whose fault?”
“Them libtards, I read in the paper just the other day that you can’t leave animals out in the heat because if something happens to them Peta and their attorneys say you will be liable, and I love Lucy, she’s my favorite 12 year old I’ve ever had and I didn’t want to get in trouble with the law and I didn’t want her to over heat and with the global warming and all I thought I’d take her in for a drink that’s all” Well Linda Lou thought it was the funniest thing she’d seen me riding into a bar on her shift so she got me a beer and was in the back getting a five gallon bucket filled for Lucy which was where we was when ya’ll cops showed up. Now your honor that is good old fashioned hospitality so you can’t pin illegal trespassing on me when I wasn’t trespassing I was patronizing my favorite watering hole in dire need of animal husbandry.”
Now this line of bullshit that G Spot was shoveling got the Judge to literally look up and squint down his glasses at G Spot, but G Spot was all in on his story at this point. Nickel Charlie elbowed me in the ribs and nodded whispering “he’s good.”.
The Judge then said “What happened next Mr. Johnson”
G Spot says, “You can call me G Spot your honor, I don’t mind”
“I will do no such thing in this courtroom, now continue”
“Then G Spot explained to the Judge about the apples, “Well your honor, I can’t be held by held liable for the consumption of fruit by an animal when the animal merely moved the fruit from one location to the other, you see it wasn’t consumption but transportation.”
“Merely moved the fruit, Mr. Johnson?’
“Why yes sir, I don’t argue that there was a bowl of green apples right there by the cash register when I rode in, in dire need of animal husbandry I might remind you your honor”
“yes animal husbandry, I remember, go on with your story”
“There was a bowl of green apples when I walked in but if you will allow me to stand up for a second, I’d like to introduce these as exhibit A”
“Mr Johnson, what are those?”
“Those are some green apples that I took out off of Mary Lou Anderson’s plate and while there might be a little Bearnaise sauce on them you can see that my fine animal merely moved those apples from one location to the other.” Now Nickel and I are now giggling by this point and then the judge starts giving us a glare and he threatens to clear the courtroom or hold anyone else laughing in contempt so we straightened up real quick. “Your honor, my animal simply transported those apples across a waitress walkway and not across state lines, which would fall under federal law under the commerce clause asI’m sure you know and since this state doesn’t have a law against transporting fruit, I don’t see how I’ve broken any laws here.”
“Mr Johnson, the judge continued, I see three charges in front of me, illegal trespassing which you claim animal husbandry on behalf of Peta, its Peta Mr Johnson not peta, transportation of green apples through a horse across a waitress walkway with the second, and lastly failure to disperse upon the request of an officer. What say you on the third charge?”
“Entrapment, your honor”
“Entrapment?”
“Entrapment.” Nickel Charlie whispered in my ear at this point, “Where is he going with this one, and I whispered back, “darned if I know but its gonna be fun finding out” We hushed up as the judge glared in our general direction.
“You see, your honor, I know the law and the protections that I am afforded under it. I tried to tell those cops that if I did what they told me to do that they were violatin my rights.”
“How is that Mr johnson?”
“Well your honor, they said I was under arrest for illegal trespassing and then for consumption of fruit by an equine, and then they said the first thing I needed to do was get that animal out of there. Well your honor, if I did that they’d have me for fleeing the scene of a crime and that is entrapment.”
Old Nickel Charlie snorted at this point and went furiously looking for a handkerchief to sniffle a laughing cough, but old Judge Parker didn’t see the humor in it.
“Mr. Johnson, you have three fine explanations for the crimes that have been brought against you here today, animal husbandry, green apples to green apples shall we say and entrapment and I am inclined to let you go. However, your horse Lucy shit in Mary Lou Anderson’s Oscar medallions with the bearnise sauce while she was wearing her best go to town bonnet and that is a wrong that needs to be made right.” I will not charge you with a crime, but that woman makes a fine peach cobbler and I was supposed to go over there and trim her lawn Saturday afternoon in exchange for a peach cobbler on account that I didn’t get any on Father’s day at the Episcopalian potluck dinner so you are going to go over and trim her lawn and bring that peach cobbler over to my house when you are through. Is that clear?”
“Yes, your honor! I will be happy to trim her lawn. I will make sure to tell her what a good cook she is and how pretty she looks so that she makes it extra good your honor.”
Case dismissed.
And that Austerity if how G Spot won a $10,000 bet about how he could have his horse poop on Mary Lou’s dinner plate and not only not go to jail over it but sleep with Mary Lou again before Labor Day. He is at her place right now as we speak under order of the law. I bet you are wondering why I’m telling you this story- but its simple. It always works out for G Spot Austerity, and he is like America.
“You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after they have tried everything else.” Winston Churchill That is where we find ourselves today Austerity but we must keep the faith that we will find our way back to sensibility.
Sincerely yours,
C Thomas Printer
Also born on this date:
the shocking Nikola Tesla,
the shocking for different reasons Sofia Vergara,
and the shocking for completely different reasons Antonio Brown,
the great molder of men Urban Meyer,
the great destroyer of men Jake Lamotta,
Arthur Ashe,
Daisy Duke,
the latest version,
Jessica Simpson,
and the brother of Johnny Drama Vinny Chase himself.