After Mardi Gras, finding the G Spot was worth the wait
“Is debauchery a good thing? It’s the only thing.” G Spot JohnsonIt’s true I did say that. I believe it too. Life is to be enjoyed and lived to its fullest and god wouldn’t have turned water into wine unless he wanted us to drink it right? I realize that I have played a lot of golf, chased a lot of women, and drank deep into the night many times and the rest of my life I’ve just wasted. When is the last time you referenced an isosceles triangle? Wasted year learning that. How about how to conjugate a verb? Wasted years doing that. How about how to cut open a frog? Wasted. Do you remember sitting in a job interview and being asked to recite all the presidents in order? No, then wasted year doing that…
What I’m saying is that we all have things we are good at and trying to fit square pegs into round holes isn’t a very good idea. Look at me, I was following floats in the Mardi Gras parade yesterday yet I’m a businessman and industrialist by trade. In my youth, I cornered the little pencil market for golf carts, scholastic testing, and all around general purpose usage and I have taken those lessons with my throughout my life. I didn’t learn any of them in Miss Stull’s one room schoolhouse or singing in no church choir.
Nope, I aspire to greatness and I inspire greatness.
Austerity: G Spot you are so full of it.
G Spot: Now young lady you think I am bullshitting? Let me tell you a story. Sammy hagar’s cabo wabo was named after me. I was down there partying with him oh it must have been 30 years ago now maybe more and I had too much tequila one night, as I am prone to do, well technically I have too much tequila and then I become prone, you know the laying down or passed out position…
Austerity: I know what you mean
G Spot: You do huh? You look like a white wine drinker to me, but trust me it can have the same effect, I spent a week in Bordeaux one night let me tell you…
Austerity: G Spot, your story…
G Spot: Oh yeah, Sammy Hagar. So he and I were drinking and he said just one more shot G and I was adamant and told him so. “No, when I have too much I wabo down the street walking home. “ He said “You what?” I said “I wabo, I can drink whiskey at home but when I come down here to Cabo and drink tequila I tend to wabo when I walk.” Well, he thinks this is the funniest thing he has ever heard and they start teasing me and calling me Cabo Wabo and acting like they were those tubby things, that don’t fall over… umm Teletubbies. No Weebles. Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down. So I head for home down the street and they follow me out to the beach as I walk home they are still laughing. Next thing I know he is calling his joint Cabo Wabo and watching all those tourists drink too much and wabo home. He made a $100 million dollars off that brand and as I said, I inspire greatness. True Story.
Austerity: That is not a true story in any way shape or form G spot.
G Spot: Young lady, do not underestimate the power of the G Spot. So C Thomas is a dear friend of mine and asked me to join him and Miss Austerity here in his cooperative here. C Thomas is a thoughtful and kind man, and super boring my god! But he said that he was trying to connect with people and spread the message of kindness and civility blah blah blah. Now don’t get me wrong, those are all good things but I just stopped listening after the first couple… Did he give you his speech on sitting down to have a meal and putting your phones away or how about his “kids rush into hair pulling sex today?” I’ve heard that one too. He is learning about Tinder and let’s say he is not a fan. A regular Puritan that C Thomas… He said that I could help him relate to the common man = you know because man is fallible. He called me fallible, I called him the world’s first square asshole! I said he poops little bricks and cubes. That’s why he suspended me, he wasn’t amused. I said I would be delighted to help him in any way I could but I wouldn’t be edited, censored or PG rated in any way. He agreed so that’s how I’m here and we’ll see if he regrets it, but I want to share a story with you about me listening to C Thomas and learning from him already because he does offer lots to learn.
So I read his piece on grace and kindness and old RW Reagan. What a great man that one, they don’t build them like that anymore. I took his advice and I tried an act of kindness for the HMGC. I was sitting in a bar and this lady walks in and she just looks tired and maybe a little sad. I was leaving so I just left but when I was paying mytab I told the bar tender to put her drink on my tab. I left and never saw her again so I don’t even know her reaction but C Thomas was right. I did feel good because maybe I brightened her day a little bit. Besides how often does a woman get a drink bought for her, that has no strings? Normally it’s just a man’s first step into trying to get her to sleep with him. Damn it, C Thomas that could have been me! Now I understand your lesson on sacrifice… the winning not so much yet.
So a couple nights later I’m at the pub and I am three glasses deep in a fully bodied Bordeaux and espousing the need to make George Washington’s birthday the one true and only Presidents day (He is the founder of our country and Peter Schiff preach on my brother). The founder of the country, the leader of the continental army, and most importantly the man that gave up a chance to be king. Speaking of kings… you ever toured the King of Beers in St Louis? Budweiser that place is big…
Austerity: G Spot! Finish your story. I swear we need to record these things before happy hour starts.
G Spot: If we did I wouldn’t have very much to say, but anyway I’m in this bar the other night and I’m thinking about how well the first act of kindness worked for me. I sacrificed my money but it felt good to do that and I didn’t get a thank you or anything. So I am waiting to try this again. I’m sitting there and this woman sits down but she doesn’t appear tired or sad, She seems bitchy, mean and mad. So this guy sits down next to her and she starts after him. She is calling him names and telling him he is no good, and how she should have listened to her mother. Now when she brought her mother into any chance of me buying a drink for her disappeared. She is being just loud enough for everyone to hear but not so loud as to cause a real scene. She is a professional life sucker outer this one. Not my first bitch in a bar if you will so I do what G Spot does. I wave the bartender over and I tell him to buy that man a shot of whisky. The bartender says “G Spot, you don’t want to go getting yourself involved in that ugliness” I said “Make like Nike and just do it Sammy.” So he pours a shot and walks over and sets it next to the guy and mumbles something I couldn’t hear but he turns around and points to me. I raise my oversized goblet and toast “Salud” and take a big drink and gave them a big smile. Now the lady has managed to stop talking and is stunned and staring daggers at me, and the guy grabs the shot and walks over to me. He is staring intently at me as he approaches and he walks right up to me almost too close for comfort. He says, “Why did you buy me a shot?” I said “Well feller, anyone on the receiving end of a verbal ass whuppin such as your getting from that lady needs a friend that will buy him a shot, and its your lucky day and I’m that friend.” He stares and me and for just a second I think he is gonna take a swing at me, but he leans back and starts laughing something fierce. He laughs so hard that he starts crying and he is slapping me on the back and I’m smiling and thinking I done good. Now the lady is so pissed that she walks out clickety clack in those high heels and she is even more furious than when she walked in. The man offers to shake my hand and says “Thank you, I did need a friend” He toasts me and I raise my glass and we both take a drink. He puts the shotglass down and says “I better get her home” and walks out. The bartender he has been watching this from the other end of the bar because he wanted no part of it, well now he saunters over and says what was that all about, what did you say to that man? I said I don’t know exactly “I just called his wife a bitch.”
So the morale of the story is that I took the lessons that C Thomas was trying to teach me and used them to make the world a better place. What one person calls debauchery I call doing a kind thing.
Austerity: Well thank you Brother Theresa. You are truly the 8th wonder of the world.
G Spot: Yeah, well if I had a dollar for every time I heard that the G Spot was the 8th wonder of the world I’d be a rich man, Austerity Jones.
Insightfully yours,
G Spot Johnson
Austerity: Thank you so much and we hoped you enjoyed our newest author’s contribution to our cooperative and I will be writing a piece next week entitled “Inflation, the thief in the night”. I hope you have a great week.
Also born on this date:
Johnny Cash,
Victor Hugo,
Fats Domino,
Levi Strauss,
and Buffalo Bill (Cody, not the guy that says “it puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose”).